Persons in the Wedding Party
What has long been known as “the wedding party” consists of the bride and groom and their attendants who participate directly in the wedding ceremony itself. Traditionally, this group includes the following persons:
• The Bride and Groom: the couple about to be married (and after the ceremony: the newlyweds).
• The Marriage Officiant: the person who officiates at the wedding, thereby making it an official union from a legal and/or religious standpoint. This person may be a judge or justice of the peace, or member of the clergy or rabbi.
• Best Man (or Person): the groom’s best man (or in contemporary times, best person) is typically his father, a sibling or a friend of special significance in his life.
• Maid, Matron (or Man) of Honor: the bride’s chief attendant and typically her closest friend or sibling. If this attendant is not married, she is referred to as the Maid of Honor; if married, her title is Matron of Honor.
• Bridesmaids: the bride’s female attendants including the Maid/Matron of Honor. A male in this role could be referred to as an honor attendant, although that designation is usually reserved for the Maid/Matron of Honor.
• Groomsmen or Ushers: the groom’s attendants, usually male, in the wedding ceremony. Traditionally, they stand behind and to the right of the groom at the altar, while the bridesmaids stand behind and to the left of the bride.
• Ushers: other friends or family members of the groom, usually male, who are tasked with escorting wedding guests to appropriate seats on the bride’s side (the left) or the groom’s side (the right). Typically, ushers do not “stand up” for the groom at the altar as do the groomsmen.
• Page(s) or Train Bearers: Young attendants who carry the bride’s train, if needed. In a formal wedding, the ring bearer is a special page who carries the rings down the aisle.
• Flower Girl(s): one or more young girls who carry bouquets and drop petals (typically rose petals) in front of the bride during the wedding procession.
• Ring Bearer: a young boy who carries a small decorative pillow with two wedding bands tied to it. Typically, these rings are not the actual wedding bands to guard against the embarrassment of them being lost or dropped. The Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor will usually already have the real rings with them at the altar.
• Candle Lighter: In some Christian ceremonies, girls aged 10 to about 15 may light candles at the altar just prior to the mother of the bride being seated.
General Responsibilities of the Major Attendants
• Assisting the wedding couple whenever possible and their guests at the wedding ceremony and reception.
• Purchasing/renting one’s wedding attire (e.g., bridesmaid dresses and groomsmen’s tuxedos/suits) and accessories.
• Arranging and paying for your own transportation (e.g., airfare and car rental). Traditionally, the wedding’s host paid for and arranged accommodations although this courtesy seems to be fading in recent practice.
• Being communicative to the wedding couple regarding meeting your general and specific responsibilities.
• Knowing and understanding one’s specific duties (as discussed below).
• Arriving on-time for all wedding-related festivities, including pre-wedding events if possible.
• Attending the rehearsal and following rehearsal dinner. Traditionally, you are also expected to deliver a toast at the rehearsal dinner or reception.
• Giving a wedding present to the couple, or contributing to a group gift from all attendants.
Specific Responsibilities of the Major Attendants
The attendants’ duties will vary based on such things as the number of guests, the venue and/or the theme of the wedding; however, there are certain responsibilities that are typical for most of the major attendants, a list of which follows:
Best Man
The Best Man’s major responsibilities are getting the groom to the church (or other wedding venue) on time, holding the bride’s wedding ring at the altar, witnessing the union and signing the newlywed’s marriage license after the ceremony. Other duties typically include: planning and executing the events of a bachelor party (if one is to occur) for the groom-to-be, paying the wedding officiant their honorarium/fee after the wedding ceremony, making a toast to the couple at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception and generally being the groom’s advisor/”majordomo” throughout the wedding festivities. In other words, he is the person who makes arrangements for the groom. These arrangements may also include coordinating with the groom and perhaps ordering his groomsmen gifts in thanks for their participating in the wedding.
Maid/Matron of Honor
Much as the Best Man is the majordomo for the groom, the Maid/Matron of Honor takes charge for the bride and serves as her personal aide during the wedding planning process and the wedding festivities. Her major responsibilities include providing emotional support to the bride-to-be, holding the groom’s ring for the bride at the altar (usually on her thumb) as she must also hold the bride’s bouquet and adjust her dress at the altar, and she also witnesses the ceremony and signs the wedding license after the ceremony. The Maid/Matron of Honor also takes care of numerous wedding day details such as helping the bride get dressed, making sure the bridesmaids have their attire, helping the bride during the reception to gather guests for the newlyweds’ cake cutting and the bouquet toss, and bringing the bride’s post-reception outfit and taking care of the bride’s wedding dress and accessories after she has left the reception. She is also expected to make a toast making a toast to the bride at the rehearsal dinner and to the newlywed couple at the wedding reception, and organizes the bridesmaids’ group gift to the bride. She may also advise the Bride and coordinate the ordering of bridesmaid gifts in thanks for their acting as her attendants.
Bridesmaids
The bridesmaids are female friends and family members who form the support team/entourage for the maid of honor. They are expected to help with pre-wedding tasks such as making or ordering bridal shower favors, addressing invites, and planning the bachelorette party (if there is one). While it is a widely-held belief that bridesmaids are required to host a bridal shower for the bride-to-be as part of their official attendant responsibilities, this is a myth. Hosting a shower is a nice gesture but is, in fact, optional. Traditionally, though, one or more close friends of the bride-to-be will host the shower, and typically one or more of these friends will be bridesmaids. If someone else hosts the shower (say, a friend of the bride’s mother), the bridesmaids are expected to attend the bridal shower and present the bride-to-be (or the couple if it is a modern “couples shower”) with a shower gift. A gift is expected only at the first shower if there are to be multiple bridal showers.
During the ceremony, the bridesmaids are also asked to supervise the pages, flower girls and ring bearers. At the reception, they should assist the bride in any way, if asked, often acting as assistant hostesses to the Bride and her Maid/Matron of Honor. Bridesmaids may also be expected to participate in the receiving line, if there is one, and in the traditional bouquet toss. They also contribute to the bridesmaids’ group gift to the bride and attend the bridesmaids’ luncheon, if there is one.
Groomsmen
The groomsmen and ushers are male family and friends who help the groom prepare for the wedding day. Their responsibilities include helping the best man plan and pay for the bachelor party, if there is to be one, and generally supporting the groom and his best man as needed. During the ceremony, groomsmen may double as ushers and escort guests to their seats on the respective bride or groom’s side of the church (or other venue) and hand them a wedding program, if one is provided. They also must lay the aisle runner for the processional and re-roll it after the ceremony has ended. They are then expected to act as deputy hosts to the groom and Best Man by doing tasks such as providing guests with directions to the wedding reception venue. At the reception, groomsmen are expected to dance with the bride, the couple’s mothers, dateless bridesmaids and other single female guests and to participate in the receiving line and the bride’s garter toss, if they occur. Finally, they are responsible for coordinating the return of any rental clothing and accessories after the wedding. Groomsmen also traditionally give an individual gift or contribute to a group groomsmen’s present to the groom.
History
A bridal shower is a party held for a bride-to-be in which guests give gifts to the bride to be used in her upcoming marriage. The event originated in the late 1800s (mainly among the upper middle class, although the custom had spread to rural America by the 1930s) and is now most common in North America and Australia. The original purpose of the custom was not necessarily for the provision of goods for the upcoming matrimonial home, but to provide goods and financial assistance to ensure the wedding may take place.
The custom of the bridal shower is said to have originated from dowry practices, when a bride-to-be’s parents might not have enough money to provide a dowry for her, or when a father refused to give his daughter away in order to provides goods and financial assistance in order that the wedding take place. In such situations, the bride-to-be’s friends would gather and provide gifts that would compensate for lack of a dowry.
The earliest stories of the bridal shower custom are said to have originated in Belgium around 1860. There no such custom in Great Britain, where wedding presents are typically selected from a list provided by the couple and displayed at the wedding reception.
Customs
While any time of day is acceptable, showers are most often afternoon events. They are typically held two to six weeks before the wedding. Despite it being a widely-held belief, bridesmaids are not required to host a shower as part of their official attendant responsibilities. Traditionally, though, one or more close friends of the bride-to-be will host the shower, and often one or more of these friends are bridesmaids. It has long been considered a faux-pas for the bride’s family members (or the couple themselves) to host a shower because it could seem as if they were asking for gifts. This point of etiquette seems to be receding in contemporary practice, though.
Because showers are explicitly gift-giving events, everyone who attends the bridal shower is expected to bring a practical gift for the bride-to-be that will help her establish the matrimonial home. A recent shower development is that the hosts of the shower provide a small gift or personalized favor to each guest. These favors run the gamut from mint tins personalized with the engaged couple’s names and the wedding date to small trinket boxes.
Speaking of guests, bridal showers are usually intimate affairs with guests elected from the engaged couple’s family and friends. Shower guests also must be among those who are invited to the wedding ceremony. An exception is when the bride-to-be’s co-workers host an office shower for her, even though some may not be invited to the wedding. While multiple showers are acceptable, guests who are invited to more than one shower are only expected to bring a gift to the first one. Brides-to-be with a guest in this position would be well-advised to make mention of this guest’s previous gift.
The shower host should consult the bride-to-be to confirm that shower guests are invited to the wedding ceremony, as well. Contemporary practice also now dictates that the host must decide whether the shower will be a traditional girls-only event or a couples’ party, often referred to as a “Tool Shower” or “Jack & Jill Shower”. The hostess should also consult with the bride-to-be to register her desired gifts (and remind her to include some inexpensive items on her registry for guests with limited budgets). It is acceptable for the hostess to include gift registry information as an insert to the invitation (it should not be included on the actual invitation).
Finally, the host should ask the bride-to-be if she would like a theme for her shower (e.g., lingerie, travel gifts, kitchen items or other practical gifts) and what the venue will be. Typically showers are held at the home of the hostess, but recent practice has seen an increase in restaurants as venue. Also remember that shower games can serve as ice breakers for the party if a large number of the guests are not acquainted with each other.
Wedding Venues
Choices of Venue
Traditional wedding ceremonies are held in a place of worship such as a church, temple, mosque, synagogue or other religious institution. However, many weddings now take place at non-traditional venues such as: hotels (which can host the ceremony and reception and accommodate your guests on the spot), restaurants (which can host the ceremony and reception), museums or historic spots, arboretums and other outdoor gardens with reception spaces, country or other social clubs, and the recent trend of so-called “destination weddings” in which the wedding party and a limited number of friends and family travel to a resort for the wedding ceremony, reception and a vacation. Many of these destination weddings take the form of beach weddings in Mexico and the Caribbean.
Questions to Ask
One of the first and most important wedding planning decisions you’ll make is choosing your wedding venues. That’s right: venues, as in plural, because you’ll need one for the wedding ceremony and, in many cases, a different one for the reception. Make no mistake, some couples prefer the convenience of having the wedding ceremony and reception at the same place but for other than a destination wedding or one in an event space you’ll have to research and explore different wedding venues. Keep these questions in mind when making a decision about potential wedding venues:
- Is the venue available on the wedding date you are hoping for? You may have to be flexible as venues tend to fill up quickly. You will need to book approximately six months before your wedding, and in some cases up to a full year before the wedding date.
- If there will be two venues, how easy will it be for your guests to get from the ceremony to the reception? One think to keep in mind is to suggest accommodations to your guests that are close to your wedding venues. Also, make sure there will be enough parking spaces for guest who will be driving, and that there will be appropriate seating for the elderly and guests with disabilities. You may need to have valet parking if there are not enough close-in parking spots available?
- How many guests will you have? After making your guest list, check to see how many people the venue can accommodate. It makes no sense to book a church, for example, that seats 200 when you expect 225 to show up.
- Does the venue fit your budget? You will want to know whether they charge by the hour or a flat fee and when your deposit and other payments are due. You’ll also want to be sure of what’s included in the price – is it just the space or are set-ups such as tables, chairs, linens, place cards and other wedding decorations included?
- Will the reception be a seated dinner or a stand-up buffet? You can follow the general rule-of-thumb that a banquet hall that accommodates 100 seated guests can hold double that amount for a stand-up hors-d’oeuvres (or buffet) reception. Will you be using in-house catering (many venues require this) and, if so, is the wait-staff included in the price you have been quoted? Also, will there be additional set-up and/or clean-up fees? Keep in mind that there often can be hidden fees should you be serving alcohol, such as per-drink set-up fees and/or corkage fees for wine, along with bartender fees.
- Will you be having a band, D.J. or other entertainment? Keep in mind that they can take up a lot of space, along with a dance floor? Make sure to check with the venue whether the entertainment can be accommodated in the space available.
- Does the venue for the ceremony offer changing rooms for the wedding party’s bridesmaids and groomsmen?
- If you’re having an outdoor wedding, is there “back-up” space in case of weather?
- Before signing any venue documents, have you gone over the details and checked the fine print?
History and Trends
Wedding favors are gifts presented by the bride and groom to their wedding party attendants during the rehearsal dinner and to the guests at the wedding reception. They are generally placed on the reception tables at each guest’s place setting. Gifts like bottle openers, wine stoppers, bookmarks, letter openers, and photo frames are elegant and practical items to give to guests at your reception.
The tradition of giving wedding favors is centuries old. It is believed that the first wedding favor, common amongst European aristocrats, was the “bonbonniere”, which was a small trinket box made of crystal, porcelain, or precious stones. The contents of these precious boxes were generally sugar cubes or other confections, which symbolized wealth and royalty because sugar was an expensive commodity at the time. As the price of sugar decreased over time, the tradition of providing gifts to guests reached the general populace and was embraced by couples of modest means. Traditionally, the small boxes contained five candies or almonds, which stood for wealth, longevity, fertility, happiness, and fertility.
Wedding favors have become a part of wedding reception planning, especially in the United States and Canada, and usually complement the theme or season of the event. Classic favors can range from the classic sugared almonds or individual chocolates to candles and candle holders and bath and soap items. Modern gift trends include: CDs with the favorite music of the bride and groom, silver or beaded picture frames (often with a photo of the couple). Gifts may also be personalized with the couple’s names, initials and wedding date. Other favor ideas include place card holders doubling as mini picture frames, barware, keychains and luggage tags.
Other keepsakes can include photo frames and albums or photo coasters. These are great options because you can include your photography along with the photo frame so that the favor will allow your guests to cherish the memories of your wedding party. Other practical options you might consider are small yet useful gifts such as items for the kitchen and table, key rings and luggage tags, and barware.
Choosing Wedding Favors
Remember that the wedding favor is likely the one thing that your guests will take home as a reminder of your wedding. Every time they use that bottle stopper, candle or coaster they will fondly remember your beautiful day. Most couples want to be sure that people remember their special day, so they give out favors that are meaningful as their expression of appreciation.
When it comes to choosing your wedding favors, there are a variety of ways you can go. You may want to go with traditional favors, practical favors such as soaps, cosmetics bags, or theme and destination wedding favors. Here are a few tips that can help you make the right choice for your wedding.
Traditional Favors
Before you start thinking of the various options available for your wedding favors, keep in mind several important factors. Think of the number of guests that will be attending the wedding party, and also think of the budget you are ready to allot for your wedding party favors. Often, wedding favors are much more economical when bought in lots. You can present pieces of the bridegroom’s cake in beautiful boxes, candies or almonds in festive favor boxes.
Theme & Destination Wedding Favors
Not to be confused with an elopement, a destination wedding is one in which a wedding is hosted, often in a vacation-like setting, at a location to which most of the invited guests must travel and often stay for several days. This could be a beach ceremony in the tropics, a lavish event in a metropolitan resort, or a simple ceremony at the home of a geographically distant friend or relative. If you are having a wedding with a theme, you may want to carry over the theme when choosing favors. For example if you are planning a beach wedding: beach-care kits complete with tanning lotion and beach towel or favors with seashell designs are wonderful ideas. Other great ideas, which are both useful and practical for destination wedding favors are keychains and luggage tags, which will remind your guest of your wedding every time they travel in the future.
Seasonal Wedding Favors
Seasonal-themed weddings are not as common as traditional white weddings, but they can be very romantic. For example, light blue or white decorations create a winter wonderland mood and things like snowflake favor boxes or glass ornaments can give it a winter feel. Other winter wedding favors such as snowflake bottle stoppers can also be a great way to express your appreciation to the guests at your wedding reception.
Bath and Soap Favors
Bridal party favors for your bridesmaids can include a wide range of bath and soap products including shower gels, manicure sets, lip balms, moisturizers, or soaps and bath salts. Make sure to pick elegant bath and body products and present them in pretty bags or wrappings. You can also include aromatherapy products like bath oils, bath candles and bath salts. In case of shower gels and perfumes it is better to get the sampler packs for the guests since these are useful as well as economical.
Remember that what your guests take home with them will be a permanent reminder of a wonderful time shared at your special occasion, so make sure to choose your favors carefully and keep in mind that thoughtful and practical often equates to beautiful and memorable wedding favors.
History
Before buying the dress and the wedding accessories … before choosing your bridesmaids … before deciding on the food, wine and wedding favors for the reception, there is the design of the wedding invitations. Wedding invitations, which request the honor of the recipient’s presence at the sender’s wedding, are usually mailed about six to eight weeks before the wedding day. In recent years, the formal wedding invitation is often preceded by a less-formal “Save-the-Date” announcement from the bride-and-groom-to-be, which is typically sent at least four months before the wedding. Save-the-date announcements are helpful because they give guests time to make travel arrangements.
Wedding invitations may be ordered from professional stationers who print the invitations using a variety of methods including engraving, embossing, lithography, letterpress printing, offset printing, and the compression plate process. A recent development has been that of self-printing using the bride’s own home PC and a laser or inkjet printer and an online store’s invitation design templates. The option to do-it-yourself is often utilized by those having a more casual wedding and those looking to save money on the wedding.
Invitation Etiquette
Whether you are planning a formal, casual, whimsical, spectacular, destination or low-key wedding, there is one universal rule you must follow with your wedding invitations. That is, the invitations should clearly state the details of the wedding day’s activities: times and locations of the wedding ceremony, the reception and any other events on the special day, directions to the various venues, and the proper attire for guests.
Traditionally, wedding invitations are sent in double envelopes with the inner envelope fitting into the outer envelope. Tissues are often inserted to place over the engraved text. Originally, the tissues protected the engraving against smudging but with modern printing techniques they are now merely decorative. Recently, many brides are omitting the inner envelope in order to save money, or they are replacing it with a pocketfold, which might also include the R.S.V.P. and its envelope, information about accommodations, the reception card and any necessary maps and directions. Traditionally, the mother of the bride addresses the wedding invitations, although many choose to use a professional calligrapher or a friend with good penmanship.
R.S.V.P. cards are typically A5 paper size and should include a stamped return envelope as a courtesy to the guest and to prompt their timely reply. A recent trend is to send a stamped R.S.V.P. postcard to save money on postage and the expense of the return envelope. The reception card lists the addresses and times of any post-ceremony events, such as a cocktail hour and dinner, whether seated or buffet. Map or direction cards provide details about the location of the wedding ceremony, the reception and any other wedding-related events. The accommodation information gives advice on hotel arrangements and local attractions for out-of-town guests. Often, the accommodation information is sent well in advance with the save-the-date cards.
Etiquette regarding the text of a wedding invitation varies according to culture. Western tradition emphasizes the host of the reception, usually the father of the bride, with text that begins “Mr. and Mrs.” followed by the full name of the father of the bride. The name of the host is usually followed by “request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Ms. [Bride's first and middle names] to Mr. [Groom's full name]“. The bride’s maiden last name is not included if she will be adopting her husband’s last name. Additionally, “honour” must be written with the British spelling. In the event the bride’s parents are divorced, it is now commonplace to see “Mr. [Bride's father’s full name] and Mrs. [Bride's mother’s full name] request the honour of your presence…” In recent times, some couples are also choosing to list the names of spouses of divorced parents. While tradition requires that one write out names in full, including middle names, the middle name may be omitted if necessary (such as for space purposes). In such cases, the middle name should be omitted completely rather than using an initial. It is also now more commonplace to list the groom as being the “son of Mr. and Mrs. [Groom’s father’s full name]”. An example of a traditional invitation’s wording using the “son of…” practice is as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. John Russell Stovall III
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Elizabeth Marie
and
Mr. Daniel Andrew Morrison
son of Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Stall Campbell
on Saturday, the thirteenth of November
two thousand and ten
at six o’clock
Highland Park Presbyterian Church
4015 Mockingbird Lane
Highland Park, Illinois
Variation from the formal tradition is now more accepted as it is no longer assumed that the wedding is paid for by the bride’s father. Often, it is a joint effort between the bride’s mother and father, both sets of parents or the couple themselves. In instances where both the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents contribute money, they are all included in the invitation as hosts. If the wedding is paid for by the bride and groom, it is the couple who invites. Deceased parents are only mentioned in the context of the widowhood as in “Mrs. Angela Snowden, widow of Mr. John Patrick Snowden, requests the honour…”
Many weddings now take place outside of a place of worship, with many of them being so-called “destination weddings”. In these instances, “request the pleasure of your company” is used to invite guests rather than the phrase “request the honor of your presence”, which is reserved only for wedding ceremonies taking place in a church, temple, mosque, synagogue or other religious institution.
Western tradition dictates that formal invitations be written in black script lettering on white paper, without any ornamental design. Strict etiquette also required that numbers be written out in text, so that the invitation must read “on the ninth of June” rather than “on June 9th”, and the year should also be spelled out (e.g., “two thousand eleven” rather than “2011”). Semi-formal invitations using numerals are now more common. Additionally, no punctuation or abbreviation is ever used, except for titles such as Mr., Mrs., Dr. and the like. Finally, at least 110 LB paper is a standard in wedding invitations leading up to 220 LB card stock.
Invitation Design
Modern invitation design is continually changing and evolving to match current trends with the design of the invitation becoming less and less traditional and more reflective of the couple’s personality. For example, a beach destination wedding invitation might have tropical, fresh colors and beach-related graphics. An invitation for a formal church wedding may now have some ornamentation that matches the formal nature of the event. People are now choosing artists and graphic designers or increasingly-sophisticated websites to create one of-a-kind invitations.
Several websites now enable brides to fully customize invitations with their choice of paper, envelopes, colors and fonts; and, in most instances, she is able to preview the invitation’s design before ordering. Many other invitation-design-matching items are commercially available online such as programs, menus, table cards, placecards and placecard holders, guest books and pen sets, and cake accessories.
Many websites also offer a wide variety of wedding favors such as bottle openers and wine stoppers, bookmarks and letter openers, and candles and candle holders. You should also be contemplating other wedding-related stationery items such as bridal shower favors and invitations, and thank you notes for the wedding gifts you will receive.